It has been taken for granted and reiterated in many classical Islamic sources that obedience and deference to parents is a commandment. Many Hadiths are quoted to support such a stance. For example: Paradise lying at the feet of the mothers; and a fathers pleasure being God’s pleasure and a father’s displeasure being God’s displeasure; and a youth being told that he is the property of his father.
The Quranic verse 4:135 is hardly ever quoted or paid any attention to.
“ O you who have attained to faith! Be steadfast in upholding equity, bearing witness to the truth for the sake of God, even though it be against your own selves or your parents and kinsfolk. Whether the person concerned be rich or poor. God’s claim takes precedence over [the claims of] either of them. Do not then follow your own desires, lest you swerve from justice: for if you distort [the truth], or refuse to testify, behold God is indeed aware of all that you do! ”
Muhammad Asad’s translation – The Message of the Quran.
This verse is very straightforward that justice is demanded and must never ever be compromised. Various other narratives in the Quran state that civilizations such as Ad, Thamud, or rulers like the Pharoah were destroyed because of oppression and tyranny. Many Hadiths that are attributed to the Prophet SAW condemn those who stand for, cooperate and even agree with oppression and injustice. Such Muslims who are oppressors, tyrants, bullies have been disavowed and cursed.
The average typical families in many Muslim communities in the diaspora, and even Muslim countries are patriarchal, authoritarian, despotic, misogynistic and sadly take a very light stance against mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. These are among the factors that explain why Muslim lands are ruled by corrupt and self serving despots, tyrants and autocrats. There is Hadith that is attributed to the Prophet SAW that states “As you are, you will be led”. If your societies are plagued with corruption and lying, then God will give you such rulers. The Quran calls this condition “the unjust ruling the unjust”.
Is there any wonder when for example the Arab Spring took place, all that happened was that one dictator was replaced with another? Mona Eltahawy (an Egyptian American journalist) who wrote a book called Headscarves and Hymens, stated that “We must not only remove the Mubarak (Hosni Mubarak) from our government, but we must also confront the Mubaraks within our homes, and in our bedrooms”.
It is imperative that Muslim families strive to become democratic and respect the voices of even the weakest members. The Quran demands that we engage in and implement the concept called “Shura” – which translates into mutual consultation. Tyranny, authoritarianism and despotism are considered reprehensible and condemnable practices and God does not love nor accept those who spread corruption and oppression. Oppression is considered a heinous crime and that is why Surah Al Masad particularly singled out Abu Lahab, as he was known to act very tyrannically towards those who were weak. He was deeply offended at the idea that all people are equal before God regardless of rank, gender and status.
Stephen Covey wrote many books talking about the 7 Habits that lead towards success in various areas of our lives. Habit number 4 is called “Think Win-Win”. This means that our mutual affairs must be based on justice and fairness; not arbitrariness nor whimsicalness where the leader has the “my way or the highway” attitude. In healthy families, all individual’s opinions and ideas are respected. Stephen Covey fathered 9 children and raised a very healthy, stable and a well balanced family. There was no such thing as shame, hidden secrecies, or any dark secrets.
It is imperative that in Muslim communities and cultures, family therapists and counsellors are available, so that toxic families can at least work towards improving their home environments. Children who come from abusive families can find an outlet to raise their voices and be given justice and protection from oppression and tyranny.
In Muslim and many Eastern cultures, it is quite common for parents to slap their children to discipline them. This has been forbidden by the Prophet SAW, as he commanded never to strike the face nor the head. This is a clear violation of someone’s dignity and honour. As children get older, they have the right to assert their boundaries. Children as they get older have the right to stand up to toxic and abusive parents. This is not to say that they should hit or beat up their parents, but they have the right to stop their parents from assaulting them. Sadly many classical Muslim jurists and scholars are silent about these topics. At least Jewish and Christian scholars and writers have addressed these issues. In many bookstores one can find topics on child abuse by Non Muslim writers, but our writers are silent.
As children reach adulthood, they have the right to assert their boundaries. The Quran does demand that one must ask permission before entering someone’s dwellings. If one is told to go back, then one must go back. Using the same analogy, it is imperative that parents ask permission before entering their adult children’s bedroom, or even habits such as opening their letters. It is a very bad custom and habit to open someone’s letter without permission. An individual is entitled to privacy and any evidence in a court of law that involves intruding on someone’s privacy to gain evidence is inadmissible.
Parents have absolutely no right to use coercion or any kind of emotional, or mental pressure to demand that their children get married by a certain age or to a certain person. A person, and even a lady is entitled to a demand a divorce if he/she feels that the marriage is not for him/her. A female companion called Jameelah bint Thabit came to the Prophet SAW and asked for a divorce from her husband for no specific reason other than she did not love him and that she feared that she would treat him unjustly. The Prophet SAW did not press her for any reasons whatsoever.
We must remember that justice and equity are among the cornerstones of God’s commandments, and any violation of them will be severely punished, or wont be taken lightly by Him. A leader or ruler who does not respect nor provide his subordinates with their rights, has no right to command obedience nor submission. This is corruption and oppression, to call a spade a spade.
I finally want to conclude that there is a very famous quote “A wiser enemy is better than a stupid friend”. A stupid friend will actually harm you with the intention that he is trying to help you. This is a very dangerous situation to be in. If your parents are ignorant, foolish, dumb, closed minded, narrow minded, uneducated and lacking in smarts; then obeying such parents will lead to disaster. A person is given the gift of the intellect to utilize. He must use it to discern the good from the bad as the Quran demands that we “enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil”. Simply relying on one’s parents and culture regarding what is “good” or what is “right” will only make you a dumb follower of the crowd; and the crowd will always fall off a cliff. It took Prophet Ibrahim AS to smash the idols and take a firm and unyielding stance against his society and culture. Idols do not merely represent gods made of stone or wood. Idols represent any bad practices, habits and ideas that our societies and cultures promote such as classism, racism, chauvinism of any kind, injustice, inequity, corruption, despotism and tyranny.
A believer is enjoined to learn from books, teachers, traveling, getting out of the comfort zone – all in order to acquire wisdom. If one only stays in his or her own comfort zone, such as relying on one’s own culture and traditions and the “ways of their forefathers” as the Quran puts it; then wisdom and critical reasoning will be very difficult to acquire. God does not want dumb and foolish believers. He wants us to be authentic, wise, smart, educated, broad minded, self-actualized and brave.
There is a word in Yiddish and Hebrew (Jewish languages as Yiddish was spoken by the Ashkenazim in Europe and Hebrew is currently spoken in Israel) called “chutzpah” (pronounced as hootspa). It has positive and negative connotations but the positive aspects mean guts, bravery, courage, self confidence. The negative connotations mean insolence, audacity. It is the concept of chutzpah that is ingrained in Israeli society that has caused it to be innovative, gutsy, think critically, entrepreneurial, daring, bold etc. This is not to condone in any way shape or form what the Israelis are doing to Palestinians at all. However in the years from 1944-1948, the Zionist militias were able to fight the British colonizers and force them to leave Palestine. This is something unfortunately many colonizers of the British were unable to do. It is the concept of chutzpah that enabled the Zionist militias such as Haganah, Irgun and Lehi to strike fear into the British occupiers of Palestine. Zionist and Israeli soldiers were able to think on their feet even in the absence of their commanding officers. Unfortunately, the Arab militaries did not have this advantage. The Arabs were too reliant on authority and could not think independently. One cannot develop chutzpah if he or she is always reliant on authority. By questioning norms and traditions, thinking critically and being daring and adventurous, one can acquire this trait.
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